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test, practicing for a job interview, reviewing for the big work
presentation, etc. Unfortunately, all too often, this
better-to-be-prepared-than-blindsided mindset doesn't follow people
into their relationships.
Preparing for marriage or a committed, long-term relationship
(especially one where you'll be cohabitating with your partner) is an
important step in acquiring the tools needed to navigate the complex
terrain of love and intimacy.
When it comes to romance, many people seem to take one of two approaches:
They blindly (and impulsively) jump into a relationship and hope for the best
~or~
They seek a guarantee that love will last.
Both approaches are problematic.
The first leaves you ill-equipped to handle what's ahead, while the
second prevents you from being open to and appreciating the mysteries
that will unfold right under your nose.
Does the need for certainty and love really mix?
April wanted premarital counseling—at least she thought she did. It
quickly became apparent that she wanted to know if her fiancé was "the
right one" before she was willing to take the next commitment step.
She was frozen in fear, frozen by her need for certainty.
The "Is s/he the right one for me?" question can become a hurdle to a
fulfilling relationship. The question assumes that there is one person
out in the universe who can magically fit into your life—someone who
would be perfect for you. When you get stuck on this question, in
essence you're searching for a pre-fabricated soulmate, someone so
compatible and attuned to your needs that your marriage or
relationship is destined for success. Successful long-term
relationships succeed because of hard work and consistent effort by
both individuals, not because someone happened to find "the right
one."
Such a mindset can only set the stage for disappointment and disillusionment.
When you hear yourself asking, "Is s/he the right one for me?", take a
deep breath and replace this question with the following:
Does this person appear committed and dedicated to putting in the
time and effort required to build a life together?
Do we share similar goals and a relationship vision that will allow
us to work together as a team?
Which intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual needs do I want
met in a relationship? Are these compatible with my partner's needs?
Which incompatibilities exist and can I accept these differences?
A note about compatibility–
Think of compatibility as running on a continuum:
not at all____________slightly___________moderately________highly compatible
There will be areas of your relationship where you and your partner
lack compatibility, areas where you're slightly compatible, and areas
where you are moderately and highly compatible. Having a range of
compatibilities and incompatibilities is perfectly normal.
Rather than focusing your energies on the broad question, "Are we
compatible?" it might be more helpful to list all the areas of the
relationship where you're incompatible, slightly compatible, etc.
Hopefully, you'll be moderately and highly compatible in the areas of
the relationship that are most important to you.
Don't worry if you and your partner lack compatibility in places that
aren't that important to you. For instance, if you enjoy lingering in
coffee shops in your spare time and your partner prefers hiking, you
both can get these needs met by spending time alone or with friends
who share similar interests. This isn't an indication that something
is missing in your relationship. Remember, it's rare for couples to be
highly compatible in all areas of their relationship.
Marriage Preparation: Questions that become hurdles to commitment:
1. Any question(s) that seeks absolute certainty about your partner or
the relationship.
We take comfort in certainty, in knowing how life is going to turn
out—however, certainty is an illusion. If there is anything certain
about life or relationships, it's that neither can offer any
guarantees.
"Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty."
~Mark Twain
While it's important to examine your motives (and your partner's
motives) for wanting to spend the rest of your lives together (and
take the necessary steps to prepare for marriage), at some point you
need to stop spinning your wheels and realize there are things over
which you have little control. That's where acceptance and patience
come into the picture. Talk with your partner about how to appreciate
each other's differences and accept that there are beauty and wisdom
in these differences.
With the proper relationship tools and with a unified commitment, you
and your partner will co-create a meaningful relationship.
2. Any question(s) that makes you feel superior and ultimately places
your partner in a one-down position.
When your expectations about your relationship aren't met, it's easy
to move into the "blame-the-other-for-being-a-lousy-spouse/partner"
mindset. When you and your partner share similar expectations about
the relationship (and acknowledge any differing expectations that may
exist or arise between you), the relationship is placed on solid
footing.
One question that stems from potentially damaging expectations is:
"Will s/he make me happy?"
Of course you want to experience happiness in your
marriage/relationship, but when the goal of your relationship is
happiness in and of itself, it's wise to examine your expectations
before you land in the inevitable puddle of hurt and disappointment.
(And remember, other people don't have the power to make us
happy—ultimately, that power is within us.)
Ultimately, your marriage/relationship should complement who you are,
should bring out the best in each of you. The "you" that emerges in
your marriage or relationship needs to stand on the shoulders of the
"you" that already existed prior to the relationship—the person you
were before your partner entered your life. This will allow intimacy
to act as a catalyst that will heighten all that exists within you.
Conclusion:
If you're reading this, you obviously realize the importance in
preparing for one of the most important decisions you'll ever make: to
get married or enter into an exclusive, committed long-term
relationship. As you take the steps necessary to prepare for all the
joys and challenges that lie ahead, remember that if it's a search for
certainty that you're after, you'll need to shift your focus and learn
to tolerate (and even appreciate) the ambiguity that is a part of the
romance puzzle.
Marriage/Relationship Books-Resources
If you're engage, in a new relationship or recently married, check
out the Marriage Enrichment workbook package. This bonus package gives
couples a wide range of premarital and relationship tools needed to
create a healthy marriage/relationship.
And don't forget to check out my new Premarital Counseling Questions
blog post for more marriage preparation questions.
Until next time,
Dr. Rich Nicastro
http://www.strengthenyourrelationship.com/free-relationship-resources/free-relationship-advice-articles/marriage-preparation-helpful-and-not-so-helpful-questions-to-ask-before-you-marry/
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