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one of the biggest threats to marriage and courtship: 'emotional
affairs.' Today's workplace has become the new danger zone of
opportunities for 'emotional affairs,' surpassed only by the Internet.
A relationship without sex can be just as intense, or more so than the
intimate one. Why the crisis?
To understand the intensity of emotional infidelity, it helps to see
the dynamics as an addiction, a form of addictive love. That's because
it's easier to let go of a toxic pattern when you depersonalize the
experience.
It's not about 'how' special the person is or makes you feel, it's
about the neurochemicals that get activated when you think and behave
a certain way that keeps you stuck in the damaging pattern! It isn't a
coincidence, for example, that persons with alcohol and other
addictions are more likely to get into toxic relationships. Seeing the
problem as an addiction also gives you access to proven steps to
identify and break free of the toxic patterns.
Why addictive?
An addiction to an activity, person or substance puts a person's brain
and body in an intoxicating trance that, on the one hand, does not
allow them to think clearly and make informed choices, and on the
other hand, 'rewards' them for the toxic behavior with the release of
certain chemicals that provide quick-fixes of pleasure in the body.
Albeit temporary, there is also pleasure from lowering or numbing
pain, shame or guilt, as it provides distance from taking
responsibility to resolve the real issues of life and marriage (which
risk failure). What are the warning signs?
There are at least 12 warning signs to alert you to take action to
protect yourself and your relationship from 'emotional infidelity.'
1. Thinking and saying you're 'just friends' with opposite-sex.
If you've been thinking or saying, "we're just friends," think again.
If it's a member of the opposite sex, you may be swimming in
treacherous waters. The very words are dangerous to your marriage.
This rationale allows you to make excuses, or more plainly, to tell
lies (to yourself and others) about something you know in your gut is
wrong. Regardless how strongly TV and entertainment promote the idea
of opposite-sex friendships (and this is part of the problem!) as not
only 'okay,' but also 'right' to demand unconditional trust, in most
cases, an intimate friendship with a member of the opposite-sex that
you find interesting and attractive poses risks.
2. Treating them as a confidant, sharing intimate issues.
Sharing thoughts and deepest concerns, hopes and fears, passions and
problems is what deepens intimacy; it builds an emotional bond between
two people, time better used in marriage relationship. Giving this
away to another person, regardless of the justification, is
infidelity, a betrayal of trust. This is especially true when you
consider that emotional intimacy is the most powerful bond in human
relationships, much stronger than a intimate one.
3. Discussing troubling aspects of your marriage and partner.
Talking or venting to a person of the opposite sex about what your
marriage lacks, what your partner lacks, or what you're not getting to
make you happy sends a loud message that you're available for someone
else to 'love and care' for your needs. It's also a breach of trust.
And, like gossip, it creates a false sense of shared connection, and
an illusion that you, your happiness, your comfort and needs are
totally valued by this person (when, in truth, this has not been put
to the test!).
4. Comparing them verbally and mentally to your partner.
Another danger sign is a thinking pattern that increasingly finds what
is 'positive' and 'just right' about the friend and 'negative' and
'unfulfilling' about the partner. This builds a case 'for' the friend
and 'against' the partner. Another mental breach of trust, this
unfairly builds a physiologically felt case 'for' the friend and
'against' the partner, forming mental images in the brain that
associate pleasurable and painful sensations accordingly.
5. Obsessively thinking or daydreaming about the person.
If you find yourself looking forward to seeing the person, cannot wait
to share news, think about what you're going to tell them when you're
apart, and imagine their excitement, you're in trouble. This sense of
expectation, excitement, anticipation releases dopamine in reward
centers of your brain, reinforcing toxic patterns. Obsessively
thinking about the person is an obvious signal that something is
wrong. After all, you don't do this with your friends, right?
6. Believing this person 'gets' you like no other.
It always appears this way in affairs and romantic encounters at the
start. It's an illusion, and in the case of emotional infidelity, one
that is dangerous to a marriage because the sense of mutual
'understanding' forms a bond that strengthens and deepens emotional
intimacy, with the release of pleasurable neurochemicals, such as the
love and safety hormone oxytocin. This focus also puts you in a
'getting' frame of mind. It means you are approaching your marriage in
terms of what you're getting or not getting, rather than what you're
contributing.
7. Pulling out of regular activities with your partner, family, work.
Being absorbed with desire to spend more and more time talking,
sharing, being with the person, it's only natural to begin to resent
time you spend on responsibilities and activities at home (and work?).
As a result, you begin to pull away, turn down, or make excuses for
not joining regular activities with your partner and family. Family
members notice you are withdrawn, irritable and unhappy.
8. Keeping what you do secret and covering up your trail.
Secrecy itself is a warning sign. It creates a distinct closeness
between two people, and at the same time grows the distance between
them and others. Secrets create a special bond, most often an
unhealthy one. For example, there may be a false sense of emotional
safety and trust with the person, and an unwarranted mistrust and
suspicion of the partner, or those who try to interfere with the
'friendship.'
9. Keeping a growing list of reasons that justify your behaviors.
This involves an addictive pattern of thinking that focuses your
attention on how unhappy you are, why you're unhappy, and blames your
partner and marriage for all aspects of your unhappiness. It builds a
dangerous sense of entitlement and forms a pool of resentment from
which you feel justified to mistreat your partner or do what you need
to increase your happiness without considering the consequences.
10. Fantasizing about a love or intimate relationship with the person.
At some point, one or both persons begin to fantasize about having a
love or intimate relationship with the other. They may begin to have
discussions about this, which adds to the intensity, the intrigue and
the intoxicating addictive releases of neurochemicals that make the
pattern more entrenched.
11. Giving or receiving personal gifts from the person.
Another flag is when the obsession affects your buying behaviors, so
that you begin to think about this person when you are shopping,
wondering what they like or would show your appreciation. The gift
choices are something intimate items that you would not give 'just' a
friend. Gifts send clear messages that the two of you are a 'close we'
set apart from others, and that the relationship is 'special.'
12. Planing to spend time alone together or letting it happen.
This is the warning sign that, when not heeded, most often pushes
partners to cross the line from a platonic to a intimate relationship.
Despite good intentions and promises to one another that they would
not let 'anything' happen, it's a set up, a matter of time, when
opposite-sex friends flirt with the availability of time alone.
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2012/07/12-warning-signs-that-its-emotional-infidelity-and-not-just-friendship/
