Relationship Advice: Does Your Relationship Suffer from AFFECTION Deficit Disorder?

Many times we think it's the big things that "destroy" marriages when
in actual fact "it's the little foxes that spoil the vine".

It's the little destructive elements that we allow to grow and
dominate our relationships.

Here's what Dr. Rich Nicastro
has to say:

Whenever couples seek me out for relationship advice or marriage help,
one of the first things I do is assess whether or not their
relationship is suffering from a lack of affection…in other words, an
affection deficit disorder. A lack of affection is a serious
relationship problem for many couples.

Affection (or more accurately, showing affection) is an important part
of any loving relationship—it is the verbal and physical expression of
the love, warmth and caring you and your partner feel for each other.
To maintain a healthy relationship, couples should find ways to
increase the affection quotient of their relationship.

Ongoing displays of affection feed your marriage or relationship and
keep it strong.

Unfortunately, too many couples fall prey to affection-complacency.
They simply stop making an effort to communicate their positive,
loving feelings and at some point their marriage or relationship
experiences an affection deficit.

While all relationships go through peaks and valleys, relationships
that suffer from affection deficits become lifeless over time—it's as
if the bridge that joins you and your partner has been torn down and
you exist on separate islands miles apart, isolated from the love you
used to share.

Let's look at some warning signs of an affection deficit.

Relationship Problems: Warning signs of an affection deficit

1. There is no spark of playfulness between you

By its very nature, the energy of playfulness includes affection. When
playfulness is abandoned, your marriage or relationship can begin to
look and feel like a formal business luncheon. This also occurs when
couples begin to take each other too seriously and can no longer laugh
at the absurdities of life together.

2. There are little or no displays of mutual gratitude

Acts of gratitude make your spouse/partner feel cared for and
appreciated. The positive impact mutual, spoken gratitude has on your
marriage or relationship cannot be overstated. Every act of gratitude
is an expression of love and caring that strengthens your
relationship.

3. Communication mostly centers on the mundane

Sure you have to figure out who's picking up Johnny from preschool, if
there is enough money to cover this month's expenses and what's for
dinner, but when interactions only center on the practicalities and
stresses of life, your relationship is probably experiencing an
affection drain.

4. There is little or no touch between you

Touch is a powerful form of non-verbal communication that feeds
emotional intimacy and demonstrates affection. Research shows that
infants and children who lack physical stimulation fail to thrive—and
the need for touch doesn't stop once you've entered adulthood. Don't
overlook the affection-boost touch can infuse into your relationship.

5. You talk negatively about your partner to others

The way you speak about your spouse/partner (or fail to talk about
him/her) to others can impact your relationship. When you make a
conscious effort to represent your partner (and your relationship) in
a positive light, you heighten feelings of affection (even when these
feelings may be lacking); and conversely, when you feed negativity by
complaining about your partner to your friends and family, you further
an affection deficit.

In other words, what you choose to focus on becomes a greater
influence in your life and relationship. Because it puts you in a
beneficial mindset and helps remind you of your partner's admirable
attributes, invoking positive, affectionate feelings while discussing
your partner will positively impact your marriage or relationship.

While the above list isn't exhaustive, as you can see, there are clear
warning signs that your marriage or relationship is tipping toward an
affection deficit. However, an affection deficit can be stopped and
reversed. The first step is to become conscious of these signs and
then make the commitment to reverse the patterns of
affection-complacency.

Effective communication remains one of the most powerful ways to
deepen intimacy and increase affection in your marriage/relationship.

Check out my popular Couples Communication workbook to learn powerful
communication tools you can use right away.

And to better understand how your past (and your partner's past) can
stand in the way of creating an affectionate relationship, see my
Don't Let Your Past Dictate Your Future workbook.

Wishing you and your partner an affectionate and fulfilling union!

Dr. Rich Nicastro

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