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willing and available to have a relationship with you. If he or she is
unavailable this is not your soul mate at the present time. A
confusing part of being attracted to unavailable, commitment-phobic
people is that the emotional or sexual chemistry can feel so strong.
You accept behavior that you'd never tolerate in friends. Why? The
electricity can feel so incredible and rare, you mistake intensity for
intimacy. You make compromises you wouldn't typically consider in
order to give the relationship a chance. Still, connection or not, you
must take a sober look to determine if someone is truly available for
intimacy.
Hear this: Not everyone you feel a connection with, no matter how
mind-blowing, is your soul mate. You can fall for someone who is
totally wrong for you, as unfair and confounding as that reality can
be.
For a relationship to work, a soul connection must go both ways. Even
if the intuitive bond you feel is authentic, it can remain unrealized.
Just because someone might've been your soul mate in previous eras, it
doesn't mean he or she is right for you today. Perhaps the person
can't or won't reciprocate or is simply oblivious, a frustrating irony
you must accept. Don't put your life on hold for unrequited longing.
Love that is destined can never be stopped. Meanwhile, keep your
options open. How do you avoid getting entangled in dead-end or
delusional relationships where you see someone in terms of how you
wish them to be, not who they are? To start, here are some red flags
to watch for. Even one sign warns you to be careful. The more that are
present, the more danger exists.
12 Signs You're Involved with Emotionally Unavailable People (EUP)
They are married or in a relationship with someone else
They can't commit to you or have feared commitment in past relationships
They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the break
They are emotionally distant, shut down, or can't deal with conflict
They're mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually
They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers
They prefer long distance relationships, emails, texting, or don't
introduce you to their friends and family
They are elusive, sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may
disappear for periods
They are seductive with you but make empty promises--their behavior
and words don't match
They send mixed messages, flirt with others, or don't give a straight
answer--you're always trying to "de-code" what they really mean
They're narcissistic, only consider themselves, not your needs
They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential
to be loving, then withdraw
At first, some of these signs may be more obvious than others. It's
tricky: we tend to show our best selves in the honeymoon stage of a
romance. It can take time for a person's unavailability to emerge. One
patient lamented, "I need a crystal ball. The first few months of a
courtship, a man is so attentive, caring, passionate." Partially,
she's right, but it's also true that we tend to see what we want to
see. That's why it's eye-opening to look at a partner's relationship
history. Who he or she was previously with reveals volumes about their
capacity for intimacy now. Beware of rationalizing, "I'm different.
This person would never be that way with me."
I don't care how mightily someone blames the blood curdling horrors of
an ex for a relationship's demise, this person played a role too.
Being able to admit that or trying to understand the reasons for
making such a terrible choice is a positive sign. Playing the victim
is not.
Over the years, I've worked with many perplexed, lonely patients to
uncover why they keep holding a torch for unavailable,
commitment-phobic partners and how to surrender this sabotaging
pattern. Most of us aren't purposely drawn to these kinds of
people--their mixed messages combined with our particular
susceptibilities, conscious or unconscious, can lure us in. Also, it
helps to understand that unavailable people rarely choose to be this
way. It's an unconscious defence against trauma or some emotional
wounding of the past. Research has shown that many are afraid of being
clung to or smothered which stems from having had a controlling,
engulfing, or abusive parent.
Commitment-phobic men, in particular, may just prefer sex without
love. They are afraid of being controlled by feminine energy, though
they don't know it or couldn't admit it. Rather, they see themselves
as macho dudes who think women always need more than they can give.
Thus, they prefer to play in shallow water, not go deep. If being in a
relationship with an unavailable person feels like love to you, I urge
you to look closer. Commitment phobic women also fear intimacy and
want to keep a distance.
To find true love, ideally you want to avoid getting involved with
anyone who can't reciprocate your affections. If you are in a toxic,
abusive, or non-reciprocal relationship, withdraw even when your
passion is strong and says "stay." It may feel excruciating to let go
when you don't want to or if you're still hoping against hope that the
person will change, but, as my Daoist teacher once told me, "The heart
knows when it's enough."
(Adapted from The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go
Can Empower Your Life Harmony Books, 2014 by Judith Orloff MD)
Dr. Judith Orloff
http://www.drjudithorloff.com/_blog/Dr_Judith_Orloff%27s_Blog/post/are-you-attracted-to-unavailable-people/
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