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applicable to both sexes.
"Whether you've already started dating after divorce, or you're about
to take the plunge, chances are good you're going to be tempted to
give in to three behaviors that will sabotage either your ability to
move on from your marriage, or seriously reduce the chance you'll find
a wonderful new man. Here are three post-divorce dating dangers and
how you can avoid them:
1. Thinking all guys are like your ex. Trusting a new man once you've
been hurt by your ex-husband is difficult. Yet, if you don't get rid
of this distrust toward men it will destroy your chance of finding
someone new. This distrust often shows up in online dating profiles
when you say things like "no head games," or "no dishonest men." When
you write those things in your profile, you're broadcasting on a
billboard that you've been hurt and that you're distrustful.
You'll scare away the men who have it together because they'll
recognize your distrust immediately. And most of the men who really do
play head games or are dishonest haven't admitted to themselves that
they possess these massive flaws ... this makes it likely that they
aren't going to stay away from you just because you ask them to in
your profile. And when you do get into a relationship after divorce,
even if the guy is faithful to you and is madly in love with you, you
may not believe anything he says.
This can happen because in the back of your mind, you'll have this
ongoing chorus playing: "All men are just like my ex-husband. All men
cheat. All men fall out of love and break up with you." It plays like
a country song accompanied by an out-of-tune guitar. Replace that
chorus with something more melodious, something like: "I'm having a
lot of fun getting to know my new man (or my date) and finding out
what good qualities he has." With each man you meet, you want to start
with a clean slate. 8 Great Dating Tips For Recently Divorced Women
Look at him as an individual. Notice all the ways your new man or date
is different from your ex-husband. If you're still having difficulties
trusting men after divorce simply by using your logic, I have found
one of the most effective ways to release your distrust is to use
what's called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which involves
tapping on acupressure points. A good place to learn this technique is
at The Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce Mountain Retreat.
2. Getting involved in a rebound relationship. If you're lonely after
your divorce, it's easy to get involved with someone new before you're
truly ready to move on. But how do you know whether that new
relationship is the real thing or whether you're simply on the
rebound? First, ask yourself if the person you're with has the
qualities you'd want in a long-term partner. Do you have lots in
common with this person? Or is the physical attraction blinding you to
how wrong you really are for each other?
Another question to ask: Am I happy alone even without a man in my
life? If the answer is yes, then you're ready to get involved in a new
relationship. But if the only reason you're getting involved in a new
relationship is because you can't stand to be alone, then your new
relationship may indeed be a rebound relationship. As you heal from
your divorce and think about the lessons you learned from it, your new
relationship can be transformed from a rebound relationship to a real
relationship, as long as it's based on more than just physical
attraction. Single & Ready To Mingle? 5 Places To Meet Local Men
3. Unintentionally holding onto baggage. None of us are blank sheets
of paper. We have all been hurt in the past. The key is to find ways
to release the baggage so it doesn't get stuck inside of you. In fact,
much of the time, you're probably not even aware of your baggage.
It's time to start having an internal dialogue with yourself. Did you
spend enough time alone after your divorce to really think about what
caused the collapse of your marriage? While your ex-husband likely
played a part, did you have any destructive habits? Blame is one of
the most common destructive habits I've seen in couples. Divorced &
Dating? Why You Haven't Met Mr. Right
We want to blame our significant others for the way we feel. But our
emotions have our nametags on them. We own them. Rather than telling
our partners "You're making me angry," it's much better to say, "When
you did X, Y, or Z, I didn't feel so good. I felt really
uncomfortable."
Whether it's avoiding blame or any other relationship-sabotaging
factors, is there anything you could do differently in a new
relationship to stop it from going the way of your marriage? It's only
when you answer this question that you can say goodbye to your baggage
and hello to a wonderful new relationship."
By Kimberly Pryor Wilkes
Host of The Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce Mountain Retreat
Author of The http://indestructiblerelationship.com
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http://www.afterdivorceadvice.com/
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